My obsession with Memory and how it works has been with me for more than a decade. I walked away from my fixation on memory a few years ago and moved towards stories focusing on self-doubt and self-acceptance. I seem to have fallen back down the rabbit hole of memory obsession and have restarted my research. The main trigger for this was the grant applications I’ll be working on, which ask questions about your films background and the research you’ve done. To fulfill some of the requirements I’m going to have to restart my memory studies and take better notes this time. The strangest thing happen on the road back to memory research, as I stood in the library isles, I was struck by memories of looking though all these books years ago. I could see myself piling up twenty books and taking them to a table to evaluate which ones I might take home with me. As I google searched around I remembered most of the pages I was sent to. I had some very strong memories of my past research into memory. All the questions came back. Who would we become when we forget who we are? Are we the sum of our memories and choices or is our fate predetermined? When it comes to memories most books don’t have answers, instead they provide you with theories. The books are full of ideas that take guesses on how our minds work. They come to conclusions on what the role memory plays in the development of our personalities. Answers that lead to more questions. In the end the sad truth may be that my strong obsession is based on fact that there isn’t a clear answer to my questions. Some projects take you days, some take you months but as a filmmaker most projects take you years. The process of grant applications and preproduction can take two to three to five years. Longer in some cases. A lifetime of prepping for projects that may never get made. For the next little while I’m lucky enough to be able to create new memories about my obsession with memory. Being able to look into your obsessions and to then be able to revisit them over the years is a gift.
